MEmoir

dictated by Taintus Griftus, 45th Galactic Chairperson

When I look back at my historic term as Chairperson of the Galaxy, I am always amazed, and people are always saying it was amazing. In the next few hundred pages, which I am writing by hand, I will use many words about the unpresidented amazingness of it all. Most people don’t know this, but when I started using the word amazing, no one knew what it meant. No one. I only learned yesterday that it was a word, which proves I was using it before anyone else ever did.

Maybe you’ve heard from some Fake History class that I was voted out of office, but that is one hundred thousand percent false! History isn’t even real, most people say. It’s all Fake. Every voter wanted me to be Chairperson forever and save our great galaxy from the lying, disgusting Biocrats who stole the election. Literally stole it. There was the humble, quiet election, not hurting anyone. And they took it without asking. And they took so much of it that there was nothing left. Even planetary governors from my own party, the Automaticans, helped them steal it. And then they hid it, burned it, and maybe they probed it like felonious school children. Who can say? Were you there? I wasn’t. That election was the greatest, most historic win, in which everyone voted for me, even the Biocrats and Automaticans who later stole it. And I claimed they stole it before it even happened!

Even today, I am paying the greatest detectives in the galaxy to help find the election and return it to its rightful owner, me. I know they are the greatest detectives, because I hired them, and I only hire great detectives. I have fired all of them, because after 49 years they never found anything, not one trace. Which shows you how horrible they were. But I am still paying them, because the election deserves to be found, and they are great. Really great.

But this memoir... What does memoir even mean? Is it a word? I don’t think it’s a word. It is? I’ve been saying it for a long time, long before anyone knew what it meant. Most people don’t realize what a memoir is, but it’s like a memory. And I have the greatest memory of all time. This memory isn’t about the stolen election or the Fake History or the Lying Biocrats — Lie-o-crats, some would say. It is about all the good that we did together, you and me, while I was Chairperson of the galaxy and you were doing nothing except voting for me. That’s how I know you’re great citizens, because all of you voted for me. Numerous times. Even after I retired and left the galaxy forever, you were voting for me because you know how awesome I was. And still am.

Most people don’t realize this, but I was manufactured differently from other governing automatons. Most are made in factories or even labs, but not me. I was made BY MYSELF. That’s right, I built myself without the help of the factory supervisors who drew up my diagrams, the many starships that supplied the parts from great factories around our galaxy. Not imported parts from other galaxies, which are poor and disgusting. Not even the workers who assembled me helped at all. I am entirely self made, unlike any other governing automaton, even the ones built in the same factory as me.

And I knew very early that I would be successful at everything I tried. You don’t remember this, because the Fake History books hate me and won’t mention it, but I was a very successful professional athlete, despite having the body of a metal box, the innards of a billion silicon chips, and an exterior covered almost entirely by blinking lights of many colors. More colors than you can imagine, like red and green. Even other colors. Some of the blinking lights aren’t even connected; they’re just glued onto my exterior, but they blink anyway, because that’s how patriotic they are. People said to me, everyone said, “Your tiny manipulator digits are too small and delicate to hold a bat or throw a ball.” They even said that my undercarriage of thick rubber wheels was too “against the rules” to play most sports. But I won. A lot. You can ask my coach, or any coach, and they will tell you how much winning I did. It was a lot of winning, they will say. Well, not my coach, because he has been dead for many years and never existed in the first place. But he’ll tell you how successful I was. He has a great memory. I have the greatest memory, but... I was very successful at sports.

And then, again without any help from anyone, I became a very successful business robot. Not even the tax-payer funded governing programs that were installed in me helped at all. I did it on my own. No one has owned more businesses than me or knows more about business than me. Which is why I became the richest business robot in history. Even richer than those people on the fake lists of “People Who Are Definitely Richer Than Taintus Griftus”. That’s Fake. I have been saying that a long time. Many people have said it to me.

I was also always so much more healthy than anyone. Many doctors have said, “He’s not even human!” And, “He might function for hundreds of years!” They are all impressed at how well I designed myself, programmed myself, funded the research that led to my own development, and came up with the infrastructure that existed before I was made, so that I might enjoy so much success and health.

But now, looking back to my historic term, people might wonder why I chose to leave behind all my success in sports and business and health to become Chairperson of the Galaxy. If their memory was as good as mine, they wouldn’t wonder, they would already know. But they do wonder. And I’ll tell them. And I’ll tell you.

Today, sitting down with my cup of kuff— keff— cop. What do you call it? Coffi-fo-fum? Cranial? I’m sitting with it though, and it’s the best, a result of my own superiority. It just sits there steaming. What is Kofi Annan really for? Why does it steam like that? No one really knows. But I’m sitting here remembering how well I was doing in business, definitely without any mysterious debts to foreign galaxies. And I had nowhere to go but up, even though I was on Top. Everyone was saying it. Even my popular multimedia program called “I Will Fire Only The Best” was the best program of all time. It educated many people, and impressed many automatons so much that they wanted me to run for Chairperson.

No one remembers, but I had run for Chairperson before, a couple of times. And I was so wildly, unexplainably popular that I dropped out of those races. “We wish he had run for Chairperson much sooner”, people say, but they don’t remember how successful I was when I first ran, even before I manufactured myself. No one remembers that, but it happened, and it was great.

But then I saw that we had a Biocrat president who was lying and disgusting all the time, and he wasn’t even born here. Did you know that? I started saying it back then, telling many people. I told them, “That guy wasn’t even born here. He was probably born in another galaxy, far far away. Maybe he was born in Aynek, which is filled with biological lifeforms like him.” No one believed me, which just goes to show how stupid people are and why they need Automaticans like me to run the galaxy.

So I kept telling that lie, even though it was the truth. I am the most honest person ever. Believe me. I would never lie, not even about lying. That’s how you know you can trust me. I am so trustworthy.

I knew how gross and offensive biological lifeforms are to most voters, so I started talking about that, talking about making the galaxy great again. Remember before there were biological lifeforms, I would say. Remember that? When there was no crime? Because crime is committed by these dirty, disgusting collections of living cells. So is poop. Did you know that? Most people don’t know that biological life is responsible for most of the poop in the galaxy.

No galaxy as great as ours should be led by such a person.

So I ran for Chairperson. And it was the greatest race of all time. Everyone is saying it. And do you know what? That Biocrat didn’t even race against me. He just, get this, the Fake History books won’t tell you. He just left office after two legally allowed terms. He knew he would have lost to me and that we would have locked him up for breaking the law if he ran again. That’s what we do to biological life forms that break the law in this great galaxy. We LOCK THEM UP! Law and Order. Falcon Crest. Those are words, and they’re the best ones. Falcon Order. Law Crest. Aren’t they great words?

And when that chicken Biocrat wouldn’t run against me, you know who did? Many great Automaticans ran against me. They did not want to make the galaxy great again. They had been lied to for so long by the Biocrats and Fake History that they wanted business as usual. So I said: No. That’s all I said, believe me. I just said No. And I said many other beautiful words too, but that was the only one I said. And the wonderful voters knew I was right, because NO is the best word. It’s a great word. It has all the best letters in it, like I and T.

So I easily won the election, which was great. Almost everyone voted for me, even most Biocrats. The crowds celebrating my victory were the largest crowds of all time. Every planet in the galaxy was completely covered with people and robots celebrating my win. I have even seen photos of people filling the spaces BETWEEN planets, and all of them were cheering for me, though there isn’t any air in space to transmit the sound of those cheers. I heard them anyway.

Finally in charge of the galaxy... Do you what a galaxy is, or where it comes from? I’ve always known this, but a galaxy is a big place. Very big and very empty. Lots of empty places. Now I’m smarter than the scientists, so I can tell you that “light year” is a phrase I was using many years ago, even before scientists thought it up. Biocrats don’t want you to know, but a light year is the amount of years you can fit in a grain of light. It’s just a fact. One of the best facts. Just like Law Falcon is a fact, or Order Crest. No one has heard of those except me.

So in the great galaxy, which I made great again, all these grains of light are filled with years. And around those light grains you see these caravans. Caravans of starships from dirtier, nastier galaxies. Galaxies like Ocibmuloc or Uredaug. And these galaxies aren’t sending their best biological life forms. They don’t even have good ones, but they’re sending their worst. Some of them might not be murderers or liberals, but a lot of them are. A lot of them are. Even worse, these horrible living things in these caravans want to breathe our air and eat our food. The joke’s on them, because we can’t even grow food if we don’t let in these disgusting Uredaugians. And they can’t breathe our air either, because I was so successful at deregulating our Great Factories. Also, they want their children to go to our schools? For free? Wait until they learn how I tried to cut so many school programs to make our galaxy great again.

So we need Crest and Law. Or Colgate and Law. Something. We need something to keep out these caravans, I said. So I said: “Build a Wall.” Yes, many people laughed. They didn’t understand the genius of Wall. And then they saw that I was right. The Wall we built, the one that Oibmoleb paid for. It’s forty-seven light years long. Astronomers will tell you that’s the entire border of our galaxy, all the way around. Forty-seven light years is so far, the astronomers say, that it’s enough to circle our galaxy a million times, in both directions, past and future. So no caravans of dirty shithole immigrants can harm our galaxy.

A handful of whiny losers complained about my administration locking biological life forms into cages or the so-called “family separation policy”. Again, these are lies. No cages were harmed during the apprehension of living beings. And it’s very unfair — the media is always very unfair to me — it’s very unfair to call these groups of criminals and thugs “families”. When our brave border patrol officers — so brave that when they locate children near the galaxy’s border, they shoot across the border to destroy them. When our brave officers locate these gangs of illicit law breakers, it makes sense. You know, it makes sense to separate a gang member from the other members of the gang, so they can’t plan more crimes. They’ve already committed the crime of floating across an arbitrary line in the galaxy, a line we call a border, so who can predict what horrible crimes they will commit after that? And, truthfully, don’t all life forms belong in cages of some sort? If not, why do cages exist? This is what I always ask the unfair reporters: Why are there cages, if no one is going to be put in them? So, no, no one was put into cages or separated, even the thousands that my administration was sadly unable to reunite with their precious families.

And the economy? Because of my success in being the richest successful robot, I know the economy. It involves money, okay? Lots of money. And bribes. It’s very complicated and most people get sued for racially profiling the inhabitants of their apartment buildings. But not me. I would never let biological life forms live in my apartment buildings. Have I told you that they’re the source of most poop? It’s true. No one’s ever said it before, not even me, not even a few paragraphs above where I already said it. This is the first time. And I’m not afraid to say it, no matter what the Fake History books tell you. Biological life is the source of poop. There.

Does that make me bioist? Believe me, I’m the least bioist automaton of all time. I love biological life forms, all of them. They’re great, believe me. They’re the best. No one should ever say or do anything bad to any biological life forms. Yes, some of them are disgusting and they’re liars, like the Biocrats. And most of them are dirty foreign criminals who leach off the system. They live on crowded planets with Biocrat governors who enjoy high crime rates and the worst corruption. But I’m the least bioist robot there is. No one loves biological life forms more than I do. Some people even say I’ve paid large sums of money to biological life forms for lubrication services, but that’s not true. Even the actual canceled checks that showed up in court hearings. Those are Fake. Believe me.

So you can see that I’m an economic expert, due to my great experience in repeatedly having businesses declare bankruptcy, starting fake universities, and putting my last name, GRIFTUS, in all capital letters on everything. I even destroyed several entire planets so I could rearrange the material to spell GRIFTUS in outer space, large enough to be seen by any telescope.

That’s how I saved the economy. Today, more robots have more wealth than ever before. If some biological life forms continue to struggle, which isn’t true, but if it was, it’s probably because they are criminals and the source of poop. They are disgusting, even if they do vote, which my party has tried to prevent for many years. Even today, I advise the Automaticans on how to keep biological life forms from voting. If no one could vote except robots, imagine how great the galaxy could be! The Automaticans would win almost every election! And that isn’t bioist at all, because I’m not a bioist.

You may have heard of taxes. I have, and I talk about them all the time, because people just don’t know. Did you know there are taxes? They are the opposite of the economy. But also they involve money, lots of it, just like the economy. It’s almost the same thing, but the opposite. You’ll only understand it if you’re a genius like I am. So what I did was, I saved the taxes. But what I really did was END the taxes, and saved the economy. But not all the taxes, because you have to have taxes. But I ended the taxes that hurt my personal feelings, and I thought, why not cut even more taxes? Even the ones that would really help? So I did. And that’s why the deficit ballooned so much — because of lying Biocrats. It isn’t even true. You’ve never even heard of a deficit, have you? Mine are the best. The biggest. And so many people were able to get wealthy due to my tax cuts. They were already wealthy, but that wealth increased even more because I wasn’t taxing them like before. Let that sink in, because it’s genius.

One big concern before I took office was the Giant Black Hole moving toward our galaxy at a rapid speed. Biocrats lied about how it would engulf all our planets someday — in a few dozen years, they said. And they claimed, lying as always, that it was our millions of black hole attractors that attracted the Giant Black Hole. Like many other problems, I solved this one by announcing that it was a hoax. None of the scientists who study the Giant Black Hole will admit this, but it’s not even there. I don’t believe in it. Can you see it? Of course not, because it’s not there. So I tell everyone in the galaxy to keep buying black hole attractors. Our economy depends on it. So I saved our economy AND solved the Giant Black Hole problem.

Now, it’s true that many years after I left office, there was a Giant Black Hole that swept through a portion of our galaxy, killing many trillions of biological life forms. It’s obvious that this is because Biocrats won the next election. And by “won”, I mean they LOST the election, bigly, and then stole it from me. And I had nothing to do with the Giant Black Hole, which is still probably a hoax. I have three black hole attractors in the room with me as I write this, and no Giant Black Hole has ever come for me. As I use my vast wealth to move from planet to planet, escaping the mysterious force that’s swallowing planets, I have seen no evidence of a Giant Black Hole.

I even solved the whiskeyvirus, which some people called Whivid-82, by announcing that it was a hoax and nothing to fear. It wasn’t that bad. I personally contracted Whivid-82, despite it being a hoax, and it was horrible, but I easily survived without any help from the most expensive robotic treatments that the taxpayers willingly funded. I took those treatments like the very healthy construct that I am, and survived all on my own. And before I survived it, I passed it on to other automatons, many hundreds of them, most of whom also survived this terrible hoax. Millions of others did not survive, mostly biological life forms, and people often ask me if I take any blame for it. Of course I don’t. How can I accept blame for something that I announced wasn’t even real? That doesn’t make sense. And some of those dead people helped steal the election, if you’ll recall. And I do recall, because I have the greatest memory. They are dirty, filthy creatures. Did you know that biological life forms are made of the same elements as viruses? That’s how they got sick.

Before I took office, our galactic military was falling apart and involved in several wars. I was always against wasting money in fighting wars, when that same money could have been used to buy more black hole attractors for me and my family. So I ended them. All the wars. Gone. Just like that. And I personally saved the soldiers, while rushing into burning buildings to save school children from being shot by my own supporters. Everyone knows this, though you won't find it in any news report or Fake History book.

So, when someone asks, why do we have so much peace today? You can tell them it was Chairperson Griftus who ended all the wars.

If someone else asks, but why are there still wars? You can tell them it’s Fake History. There can’t be any wars if I ended them all. That’s just science. And one war that didn’t happen is the one I personally incited after the election was stolen. There was no civil war based on me personally encouraging the great citizens of this galaxy to attack the corrupt capitol planet. And you would know I was against it by my very fine words just after that attack, when I told the insurrectionists to “go home” and “we love you”. So there was no insurrection. Anyone attacking the capital planet was probably my enemies in disguise, trying to make me look bad. But it didn’t happen. That whole day doesn’t even exist in my calendar.

And I’m completely against violence. I’m a pacifist all the way. When you hear stories about me telling my supporters at a rally to “de-atomize that protestor’s face with a planet-busting disrupter ray”, that is FAKE HISTORY. No one ever said that. Not even me. When I said it, I meant to calmly dissuade them peacefully without violence and ask if they wanted to leave, because I was in the middle of a speech. A speech is made of words. Lots of words. So I never said that, never wanted anyone to get hurt, even Lie-O-Crats.

Do I have enemies? No. It’s impossible to have enemies when you’re as well-liked as I am. When you look at the votes, the fact that EVERY person people voted for me, who would want to be my enemy? Even people who don’t exist often say they like me and admire me. One of them, whose name I made up on the spot as I disguised my voice and called a reporter, said I was probably the most liked person in the galaxy, maybe even more well liked than that, if you can believe it. And you can.

I can’t even remember all the great and successful things I did as Charmin. Some people say “Charmin”, but I prefer “Chairperson” because it has less poop on it. And so many great things were done that no one can remember them all, even people who make lists of fake accomplishments to make me feel better. Even they forget some of the good things I did. And no one remembers any failures, because I haven’t yet failed at anything. I once tried very hard to fail, harder than anyone else, and I succeeded at failing, so you could say I couldn’t even fail at failure.

Oh, I just remembered one more thing. People everywhere are saying “Pleasant Days” again. Before me, no one could say it. It was against the law. There had been a War On Greetings by the Biocrats and filthy foreigners, and they said “you can’t say ‘pleasant days’ anymore.” It was wrong, and I put a stop to it. I told everyone, “You can say ‘Pleasant Days’ again, or just ‘hello’ if that’s what you feel like.” So all the people who’d never really stopped saying Pleasant Days or Hello could now say it again, because of me.

And now, after the millions of pages you’ve just read in my memmer— marmala— Memoir. It’s pronounced “MEM-WAR”, I always say. After these millions of pages, with hundreds of words, all of which are true, even Biocrats have to admit I was among the best Chairpersons during my term, and easily the best and most humble genius of all time.

When I left office, completely peacefully and without complaining about the STOLEN ELECTION, I wished my successor well. I said, “Chairperson Karma—” Who can even say her name? What does it mean? Kamshaft? Carlgizzard? Lock-a-lock? It is a mystery that even scientists can’t solve. She is a biological life form, which is of course disgusting and sick, and there’s probably blood and poop coming from everywhere now, but I wished her well and offered any assistance she might need after the violent attacks on the Capitol by my peaceful and wonderful supporters who were in no way inspired by my repeated calls to do what they did.

Thank you for reading, and keep searching for that stolen election. I know it’ll turn up somewhere.