I well remember
Hanging by a thread
When I wondered if the world
Would be better with me dead
How I hated the shallow
Things that you said
And nothing about life
Was ever clear in my head
I tried to hide
From the demons inside
“The
cold specter of insanity”
Encircled me on every side.
I was
feelin’ lonely
And you were
never there
Couldn’t find anyone
Who ever really cared
Darkness fell around me
Every day I was weak
Cold ominous silence
In a world so bleak
Aware of my
weakness
But unwilling to fight
Kept questioning
reality
The worth of day and night
Warring against the world
Is what it feels like
Crying inside while all
You saw was my head held high
Feeling the
pressure
Of a fairly easy life
Wanting to
end the misery
But unwilling to wield the knife
Couldn’t imagine a future
With
the way we treat our planet
I lost at love and feared
It was God who
damned it
The angst and the fear
And the disconnection
Almost never led me
In the right direction
More than once I was broken
Instead of breathing I was chokin’
Trapped inside a mind
That couldn’t have spoken
I wrote poems to
express
What I wish I would have said
Looking back, it’s a wonder
That no one found me dead
Too many times I
Couldn’t even cry
My eyes were dry and
My smile was a lie
It felt like a
failure
Everything that I tried
Had a
peek behind the curtain
But went along for the ride
Never knowing what is true
Not me or him or you
Never gained what I’d
Long been told I was
due
When the whole world
Seems
about to break
And I had already had
All I could take
So I know I
comprehend
When someone else picks up a gun
Or pills or a rope or a knife
Because they’re ready to be done
I’m not saying that it’s right
Just saying I understand
Sometimes even winners end up
Losing by their own hand
The
darkness is still in me
It lurks and waits
And to this day not even
I can predict my fate
I managed to find
Hope
At the end of my rope
And I know I’m lucky that
I found a way to cope
I wish I knew your answer
Not even sure I found mine
And sometimes I’m not certain
That it gets
better with time
My poem, above, is a trace-through of my poems about (or because of) depression, starting in
my junior year of high school and lasting well into adulthood. Even today, though my life is
happy, calm, and mostly undisturbed, there are still shadows of darkness in my heart that I
am mostly successful fighting. I always take it personally when another person gives in to the
demons that I once fought — and defeated.
(Note: I use “demons” figuratively here. I don’t believe in gods or devils.)
I had kind of a rap-rhythm in my head, for the lyrics, when I composed this.