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The Black Friend

by Frederick Joseph, 2020

Published: 2021.06.22

Home > Book Reviews > Frederick Joseph > The Black Friend

 

Photo by Wil C. Fry.

★★★★ (of 5)

(* 220 pages includes the introduction and text, but does not include the preface, “An Encyclopedia Of Racism” [221-238], “People And Things To Know” [239-241], “The Black Friend Playlist” [242-244], Source Notes [245-247], acknowledgements, or index.)

 

Review

My first instinct, upon finishing this book and beginning to think of my review, was to simply write: “I am not qualified to review this book.” Of course, in the general sense that I am not a professional critic nor am I educated regarding literature, I am not technically “qualified” to review any book. But I do, because there are a handful of people who are interested in my opinions. This book, however, made such a powerful impression on me that I had to step away for a day and mull it over.

The idea, or theme, as Joseph explains in the introduction, is for the book — or Joseph’s voice in the book — to be “the Black Friend”. Not the trope “Black friend” that white people always mention when they try to excuse their racism (“but I have a black friend, and he said it was fine if I used the N-word”), but that one Black friend that is patient and longsuffering enough to explain to his white friends just what exactly is wrong with what they did or said.

“The Black Friend is the person who is willing to speak the truth to the white people in their lives, to call them out when they do or say something hurtful, ignorant, or offensive. After reading this book, my hope is that white people won’t need to tokenize or ask Black people and people of color to do all of the work. It’s not an easy thing, being the Black Friend. And it’s certainly not a role every Black person should be expected to take on. But those of us who choose to play that role do so because we know that by helping our white friends become better people, we help make the world a little bit better for the rest of us.”

—page 14

Like many social justice advocates and activists, Joseph was exhausted by the assaults of the 2017-21 presidential administration. “I’m getting my ass kicked”, he explained. “Hell, everyone working to make the world better for people of color is getting their ass kicked too.” His message: “The world needs you to step up or get out of the way... Particularly if you are a white person.”

The format of the book is that each chapter attempts to tackle a single plank or facet of racism. Some of these facets might be called relatively minor microaggressions (like when white people make a big deal of having difficulty pronouncing a person of color’s name, because it’s so freaking difficult to say “Kamala Harris”), while others might be ranked as more directly and crassly racist (like dressing up for Halloween as your favorite racist caricature or using the N-word). In each chapter, Joseph begins with an anecdote from his life — most from high school and college, with a couple from middle school — and then opines about it before bringing in an “interview”. (The “interviews” tend to be long-ish blockquotes from relevant people, interspersed with Joseph’s commentary; few of them felt like actual interviews — this is, I think, the weakest part of the book.)

Joseph keeps his voice casual throughout, even when there are facts or statistics to mention — he manages to gloss over these in a conversational tone that even the most numbers-averse person can stomach. He also makes occasional attempts at humor. Here is one bit I found mildly chuckle-worthy in the introduction:

Because of how publicly critical I am of the impact white people have, and have had, on people of color and on the general world around them, some people have gone so far as to say I hate white people. Honestly, this deeply offends me, as I’ve been to over ten John Mayer concerts and at least two hockey games; there’s no way a person who hates white people willingly attends the two whitest events on earth multiple times.”

—page 2

The text is broken up with frequent gray boxes, where Joseph explains or expounds on a previous statement or makes a recommendation of a book, movie, TV show, song, or artist. Some of these remind the reader of the appendix called “An Encyclopedia Of Racism” at the back of the book, which Joseph says he added because “my white editor pointed out that many of you reading this might not understand some of the terms that I’ll be using, some of the events I refer to, or why certain things are racist.” Any time a word or phrase is in bold print, there’s a corresponding entry in the Encyclopedia. These include (to name just a few): All Lives Matter, Black Hair, Cultural Appropriation, Melting Pot, The Talk, Tulsa Race Massacre, and White Savior.

The “planks or facets of racism” that I mentioned above, which Joseph deals with singly, one per chapter, include the following (I have reworded them here):

One thing I was reminded of throughout — and if you know me, you might have already thought about this — is how fortunate I have been these past (nearly) two decades, to actually have that Black Friend in my life. Because just before I first met the Black woman who would become my wife, I myself was that “I don’t see color” guy who claimed to see “both sides” of the Affirmative Action debate, and believed that “reverse racism” might occasionally be a real thing. None of those things were said or believed with ill intent, and I never used the N-word or considered starting a chapter of the KKK, but what I was doing was harmful. Over the years, my wife was far more patient with me than any marriage referee would agree was necessary, especially on these topics. I won’t sugarcoat it: I struggled to understand a lot of it. Like most (all?) of you, I was raised and educated in a system that intentionally set me up to think the way I did, and like most white people who truly didn’t have any Black friends, I made little to no effort to educate myself on these or related issues.

It took some time and effort, but my own personal Black Friend talked me past the “I don’t see color” thing, and was a living example of Black people enjoying media beyond typical “Black” fare (her favorite song is by Cyndi Lauper!). I watched in person as “you don’t sound Black” (“you speak so eloquently!”) was used as a backhanded compliment to her, a way of belittling an entire people while pretending to be nice to one person. Even before the word “intersectionality” was used in our household, the idea of it became clear, through her.

And (hopefully much to her relief), I eventually began to do the work myself, studying the work of people who actually get paid to explain these things to me, looking up terms or concepts without constantly putting her on the spot as the Black person who is supposed to explain these things to me.

I used the word “fortunate” because I know that most white people don’t have access to such a friend. Instead, they either have no black friends (75% of white Americans have entirely white social networks) or they have the trope-type black friend who doesn’t push back, either due to fear of losing access to certain white spaces or some other reason. So these white people get their ideas about racism from other sources, like the same faulty educational system that failed to clue me in, other white people, media that has a history of poorly portraying people of color, or some other indirect source.

Joseph mentions this a couple of times in the book — that we often gain a greater understanding of another culture, another type of person, by direct interaction (which can build empathy and understanding) than we can from hearing about it on the news or seeing depictions in movies.

This book is for all of us, however: those of us who do already have direct access to a sympathetic Black Friend and those of us who don’t.

 

Conclusion

I came close to rating this book five stars, because it is so necessary, so honest, and so well-written. It’s also well-designed — there’s a lovely deep purple hardcover hidden behind the brightly painted dust jacket, the font is easy on the eyes, and the layout is near perfect. The idea of including an “encyclopedia of racism” was brilliant and its execution was also well done. I can’t yet comment on the recommended list of materials to read, watch, or listen to, because I have only had the chance to barely dabble in it.

I suppose I didn’t (award the fifth star) because the “interviews” weakened the overall work in my opinion. Yes, it’s nice to have input from superstars like Jemele Hill, April Reign, and others, but with most of their comments being unedited, off-the-cuff type remarks (“or like, whatever, you know”) and most of them so nearly parrotting what Joseph had already written, these parts usually took me out of a chapter and led me to skim back to when Joseph began writing again.

 





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