(Note: This entry has been updated, both to reflect more recent events and to — hopefully — be less dependent on recent and current events.)

Intro

In whatever time you read this, someone somewhere is asking for reconciliation, understanding, empathy, and unity. It might be a former friend, a family member, or a political opponent. Undoubtedly, in some of those scenarios, the best thing to do is reconcile, understand, empathize, and reunite. Yet I think it’s important to understand the difference between (1) true attempts to reconcile and (2) gaslighting campaigns meant to avoid consequences. I decided to write this because it’s clear that not all of us understand the difference.

Imperfect Analogies

Many imperfect analogies have been put forth to help elucidate this topic, especially as it relates to U.S. politics just after the 2020 presidential election — and then later relating to the Jan. 6, 2021, insurrection fomented by the outgoing president and encouraged by numerous Republican politicians and voters.

For example, I initially used a personal anecdote about a friend borrowing a VHS tape from me in 1999, damaging the item, lying about it, pretending it didn’t happen, and then wondering why I wouldn’t let her borrow another one. She acted like the fault was mine, insisted I “forget about the past”, and expressed dismay that I couldn’t “move on”. For my part, I would have been happy to forget the incident and move on, but only if a few necessary steps took place: apology, offer of repayment, and at least a pretense of remorse.

Others, especially on Twitter, used the analogy of domestic abuse. The hypothetical abuser commits the abuse, accuses the victim of causing it by some word or deed or attitude, acts like the incident wasn’t that bad, and then demands reconciliation and forgiveness. When the peacemaking doesn’t immediately occur, the abuser states that the victim is the cause of continuing division, which — he threatens — will lead to further abuse.

I saw several other analogy attempts, none of which were perfect. Simply put, no analogy is perfect because any analogy is in fact a description of something else. They are only useful if they assist in understanding or putting events in perspective. For that reason, the first two I mentioned above are useful enough because they point out the flaws in the process when the perpetrator blames the victim for failing to immediately forgive.

‘Reach Out’

Not long after the AP called the 2020 election for Joe Biden — on Nov. 7 — we suddenly began to see a lot of requests from various politicians, influencers, talking heads, and others — requests for empathy for GOP voters, putting aside our partisan bickering, learning to work with “the other side”, and so on.

For example, ABC journalist Steve Osunsami tweeted: “If you’re celebrating, remember that you have friends who feel like you did in 2016.” Political scientist Ian Bremmer said “Now is the time for every Biden supporter to reach out to one person who voted for Trump. Empathize with them. Tell them you know how they feel (you do, from 2016). Come up with one issue you can agree on.” Former Ohio governor and pretend-moderate John Kasich begged: “Now is the time for Democrats ... to begin to listen to what the other half of the country has to say.” (And even earlier, Kasich implored: “Whoever wins needs to listen to the concerns of the other party’s voters if we hope to begin healing.”) Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice waited until Sunday to add: “Now, let’s come together for the common good with empathy and respect for each other.”

That same day — Nov. 7 — I drove to a nearby supermarket. On the way, I stopped at a traffic light behind a giant pickup truck displaying a bumper sticker that I’d seen dozens of times in 2020. It said: “Trump-Pence 2020 : Making Liberals Cry Again”. Also on the same vehicle was a sticker with an outline a firearm (an AR-15, I believe) and the words “Come And Take It”.

I was reminded then of the T-shirts I’ve seen that say “Trump 2020: Fuck Your Feelings” (which are still for sale at Walmart) — they’re everywhere. And I was reminded of the “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required” shirts seen at Trump rallies. (Walmart apparently doesn’t carry those anymore, but other sites do.) Those popped up after Trump — and many other influential conservatives — spent the better part of four years referring to respected journalists as “fake news”.

So you will understand that I was immediately skeptical of (and resistant to) the speedy calls for empathy, listening to the other side, and crossing the aisle to work together. And I doubted that the “fuck your feelings” folks were ready for it either.

‘A Time To Heal’

Even more disappointing, to me, was when I watched (still on Nov. 7) Joe Biden deliver his victory speech, including the following:

“But now, let’s give each other a chance. It’s time to put away the harsh rhetoric. To lower the temperature. To see each other again. To listen to each other again. To make progress, we must stop treating our opponents as our enemy. We are not enemies. We are Americans... This is the time to heal in America...

“Let this grim era of demonization in America begin to end — here and now. The refusal of Democrats and Republicans to cooperate with one another is not due to some mysterious force beyond our control. It’s a decision. It’s a choice we make. And if we can decide not to cooperate, then we can decide to cooperate. And I believe that this is part of the mandate from the American people. They want us to cooperate. That’s the choice I’ll make. And I call on the Congress — Democrats and Republicans alike — to make that choice with me.”

Joe Biden, 2020.11.07

I enjoyed other parts of his speech, and almost all of Kamala Harris’s brief address. And I thought that without context the words I quoted above would be just fine. In general, I heartily agree. I fervently wish that we as a country could cooperate, make progress, and not be enemies internally.

But there is context. And in the following days and weeks, that context kept piling up, asserting itself, and growing more dangerous.

How To Seek Reconciliation

After all the “harsh rhetoric” in the “grim era of demonization” (Biden’s words), it does seem like a good idea, in general, to “lower the temperature” and begin the healing process. But here’s the thing — and another imperfect analogy: healing doesn’t begin while the disease is still rampant.

The various parties involved in a reconciliation have differing responsibilities. The victim of abuse cannot be the one to initiate reconciliation; it has to be the abuser. And the first step they take cannot be to demand forgiveness, empathy, or reunification. That’s not how reconciliation works.

The truly obvious first step to seeking reconciliation is to stop doing the thing that caused the break in the first place. (Even abusers know this, often making at least the appearance of an effort to show they’ve changed.) Other steps include making apologies, offering reparations, being clear that one understands the harm they’ve done — but none of that matters if the first step hasn’t happened.

In my VHS cassette analogy, imagine my friend coming to me immediately to let me know the item had been damaged, apologizing, and offering to pay for it. (I would have refused payment; for me, the offer is usually enough.) The person who did the wrong must be the person who takes those first steps. Only then does the ball move into the court of the wronged person — who might or might not choose to forgive and forget. You can’t let a bygone be a bygone if it’s not gone — still unresolved. Especially if, instead of a $20 VHS cassette, we’re talking about an entire nation.

The Harm Is Ongoing

Even as well-meaning Democrats encouraged unity and healing, the impeached president who had just lost the election continued to bluster and rail against “fake news“ (reputable journalists) and claimed against all evidence that the election was “stolen”. In other words, nothing had changed; he continued the cycle of personal attacks and blatant dishonesty that had characterized his entire life — and especially his presidency. For weeks, he refused the Biden transition team access to necessary resources. A number of top-ranking GOP offials supported those paranoid delusions and obstruction of the democratic process. All in the middle of a pandemic they continued to enable and downplay, continuing to spread the virus among their own members — and refusing to wear masks when locked in with Democrat colleagues.

The children separated from their families by the GOP’s cruel and inhumane policies remained separated from their families (and the ones who were eventually reunited are still suffering the trauma). Republicans kept trying to strip millions of healthcare, and never revealed their replacement healthcare plan, promised in July, which was supposed to be “terrific” and “great”. The Muslim ban remained in effect. The GOP’s harmful transphobic policies were still in effect. The U.S. continued to self-exclude from the most important climate accords in history, as climate change continues toward the point of no return. We’re on track to exit the World Health Organization.

The harm was still ongoing. No attempt was made by the GOP to reverse course, express remorse, apologize, or even ask for forgiveness or empathy. They certainly didn’t made any moves to undo the damage they’d caused.

And then, instead of pulling back like the sly abuser who knows he needs to lie low for a while, the GOP doubled down on combatting the election while their president incited an insurrection, telling his supporters “you’ll never take back our country with weakness” just before they stormed the capitol building. When the insurrection had subsided, the president told the rioting insurrectionists he was proud of them and loved them.

When talk of a second impeachment arose, Republican gaslighters claimed, in a fit of dishonesty, that the impeachment itself “would only serve to further divide our country”.

Individual Voters, Though?

With all this talk of Republican leaders and the administration, don’t think I’m forgetting the individuals, the voters, the regular people who took no direct part in those shenanigans (yet supported them indirectly, either by voting or by passively being quiet while the harm was done). Like any reasonable person, I recognize there is variation; it’s incorrect to lump them all into the white supremacist, insurrectionist camp — one big circle of an oversimplified Venn diagram.

There are those who once supported GOP policies or the general conservative agenda — either from indoctrination or misinformation or some personal flaw — who have since had a change of heart, or are currently undergoing said change. Good for them! I applaud that. I welcome them to the path of becoming a better person. It’s hard work, and I’m still figuring it out for myself. Let’s talk. I empathize with you, I truly do. I know the pain and frustration of unlearning the tainted talking points like “abortion is murder” or “being gay is a sin” or “liberals are attacking Christianity” or “the science on climate change is inconclusive”. When that’s all you know, stepping into the wider world is scary and confusing.

As with any other person or group in need of reconciliation and forgiveness, if they’re willing to take those first steps — stop doing the harm, apologize, and express an intent to be better — then I’m willing to meet them halfway.

But for the people still damaging the VHS, still claiming they can’t find it, and still asking to borrow another one, all the while feeling no remorse or even introspection about what they’ve already done? I can’t be convinced that any responsibility for that reconciliation rests on me.

The Real Kicker

Another thing to consider, something that I think about often when people try to play the “both sides are the same” game, is this:

Individual GOP voters didn’t actually lose.

Yes, GOP voters “lost” in the sense that their preferred candidate(s) lost an election. But when it comes to real-life effects, they stand to gain as much as the rest of us. This isn’t difficult to figure out; it’s just something people don’t talk about so it gets ignored. One huge difference between the foundational ideology of conservatism and the underlying principles of progressive policies, one that pundits often ignore, is that the policies and platforms put forth by “the left” — certainly all the ones to which I give my support — are designed to help everyone. None of the DNC platform involves taking away any rights or opportunities from anyone, certainly not based on politics or identity.

The Biden administration isn’t going to ban Christians (he’s a practicing Christian). No elected Democrat supports arbitrarily revoking the status of white immigrants or banning immigration from majority-Christian countries. Biden isn’t going to encourage police brutality against white people or allow adoption agencies to discriminate against straight couples. None of the incoming Democrats are going to force you to be gay, convert to Satanism, or study to become an abortion provider.

Combatting the climate crisis helps everyone. Winding down the Covid-19 pandemic will be good for everyone. Making healthcare more affordable and accessible helps everyone. Improving the criminal justice system helps everyone. Expanding and protecting voting rights is good for voters of all stripes. Giving more people access to higher education helps us all. Reforming or revisioning the criminal justice system to be more fair doesn’t have a downside. A stronger social safety net is a win for every resident of the country — not just liberals.

I don’t actually expect many successes on the progressive front (because the bulk of the Democratic Party leans heavily toward the center), but any success we do see will be a win for all U.S. citizens, even conservatives.

Conclusion

In short, I’m happy to reach out to anyone truly ready for reconciliation, but not to anyone still in favor of the dumpster fire that was the past four years, anyone unwilling to acknowledge the harm they caused (or are still causing), or anyone who tried to gaslight me into forgiving and forgetting before they’ve apologized or made an effort to mend their ways. Regardless, every policy position I favor, if enacted, would help conservatives as much as they’ll help me. And that’s by design.